The secret to the success of the twelve step program is the interaction, the sharing and the brotherhood with other men who are struggling with the same challenge as I have. It helps me feel like I am not the only one and that we who have the disease of sexual addicton are good people struggling with our own unique challenges and we can learn a tremendous amount from brothers who are on the same journey.
It is so very empowering to be able to surrender my feelings of shame and not enoughness to God and other brothers. That is part of the connecting process that helps me come out of my shell and find friendship and brotherhood with my fellow addict brothers.
Phil
Johnathan
Eli
Mark
I will not go to places that I know are triggers to my addiction. Those include water parks and massage parlours. I can't go to dressing rooms in rec centers. I will limit my internet access to inspiring and purposeful web sites. No more surfing the internet. The Fox News website does nothing good for me so I have a boundary to not go there any more. I will be perfectly honest with my wife in all my communication.
It means that I am committed to a sexually sober life and my cheif partner in this commitment is God. When i am tempted to return to my addictive behavior I will surrender those temtations to him. He has the power to keep me sober and to fill my mind with virtuos and inspirational thoughts.
The measure of commitment to attending groups reflects my commitment to recovery. I must be willing to surrender all addictions in my life. We always wanted to the sponsor or God or spouse etc to do the stopping for us. Now, we surrender and let the power of God become effective in us.
Sobriety and true recovery seem impossible without community.
Other members of the new groups I will be attending.
Haven't made any yet.
I realize that my disillusionment with God's involvement - or perceived lack thereof - in my recovery stems from my expectations of how I think he works. He never intended to make me stop or magically make it dissapear. But that was the nly way i would beleive that he really existed. rather, when i choose to stop, in my surrender I can find him.
We have to learn to stop first and have the power to do so. Then we immediately surrender and let god take this problem from us. We give it to him to take away.
There were a few things that stood out today, attending meetings are important to long-term sobriety and me stopping all forms of the addiction to allow God to be effective in my life. I always though that the meetings would be important, I attended some ARP meetings and thought that I would continue all my life but when school and life got busy I stopped. I didn't realize how important they are to long-term recovery. And the effort that I put into attending will be a reflection of my progression and sobriety. So I need to be all in because I want sobriety for all my life. I need to be true to my wife, I love her and I am tired and sick of destroying her life. So I need to stay committed to going to meetings and participating on a weekly basis.
I think participating in the fellowship program will help me find strength and purpose in my journey. I think that participating will help me change who I am to become the man I need to be and who God wants me to be.
I talk to my wife on a daily basis to check in with her. I need to find a sponsor and commit. I will also commit to reaching out to my Dad and talking to him on a weekly basis. (maybe I can incorporate my Mom also so she feels more connected to me)
I have set bottom lines with with the help of my councilor. They are:
1. Go to bed when my wife falls asleep (phone away from reach)
2. No phone in the bathroom with me (unlocked door)
3. 3 second rule- if you see anything potentially problamatic then put attention somewhere else (think about a memory of wife or kids and make goals about time with them)
4. If I am home alone then no internet or tv (if I am watching the kids tv for them)
( I guess I need to talk to a sponsor for more help)
I understand that my action in stopping (doing all I can do), then the surrender part I might understand, I think that it means I am ceasing to fight with my own strength, knowing fully well that I can't do it with my strength alone(since I have tried many times). When I surrender I am giving God the opportunity to be fully involved in my recovery since I am no longer resisting his will to do my will ( what I think will work). God's power and the Grace of Jesus Christ are far greater than any effort that I can muster up myself. Truly surrendering my will to God, in other words having my will be swallowed up by the will of God is the only way to be on a path that will truly lead to happiness, freedom, and exaltation.
The power that we can tap into through fellowship. When we are accountable, we can move forward in recovery.
This is the first part of surrender. Knowing that I can not do things on my own. Asking for help from the group and God.
I have a list of people that I try to contact daily. The are mostly from the SAL group some are from other groups I attend as well.
No electronics in the bathroom. No Video games, no social media, No you tube , snap chat, no pornography or even R rated movies. In public I am mindful of what I am doing. No staring at women, no fantasies, or objectification. Treat women as daughters of God.
Once we figure out that we cannot do this on our own and surrender to God, his power can work to heal us. I tried to stop. I swore that this was the last time, thousands of times, yet my will power was not sufficient. God’s power is what I need…I need help! Help from the group and help from therapy…aI need all the help I can get.
"We must be a part of others or we cannot maintain effective surrender."
This highlights probably the most difficult issue for me, be willing to be humble and accountable and connected. I feel it even as I write these words.
I don't know that I can agree to that as a blanket statement for everyone. I think it is true for me if I want to live sober and connected. I have tried it before and it worked wonderfully well. I have tried not doing it and I have failed miserably. So I think for me it is true.
I have several men that I can reach out to and share my struggles with. Anyone from either of two groups is available and willing to help me.
I haven't yet shared any yet.
I am declaring my dependence and reliance upon God for my salvation. It is only through and by His grace and intervention that I can achieve progressive victory over lust and self centeredness.
The program does not teach us how to stop. We have done that thousands of times. It teaches us how to not start again. We always wanted someone (God, therapist etc) to stop for us. Both of these statements impressed me.
In my own experience just being accountable to myself did not create sobriety. When I am alone in my head, I am in enemy territory. My commitment made to myself to not act out have rarely worked. There is a greater chance of sobriety when I can speak openly to a fellow addict who is going through the same thing that I am. Opening up to others, making calls is difficult for me.
This question really exposes a fear in me. I have been mostly unwilling to make regular phone calls or build relationships with other men in the many , many meetings I have attended through the years. I don't understand myself in this respect. I am committed to change and overcome this obstacle. I have been candid with Steven, Patrice, Emily and willing to be candid with priesthood leaders. I will expand this circle of contacts.
Covenant Eyes accountability software on all devices. Steven as monitor. I have recently tried a Troome phone but found it more to be an irritation than a useful sobriety tool. Positive actions of daily connection in prayer, gospel study, step study.
This is a true statement to me. It matches my own experience and faith. Words like traction, momentum, increased faith, hope describe what happens to me when I achieve even a few weeks of abstinence. My outlook brightens and in my mind success seems obtainable. I believe when I draw near to God, he then draws near to me.
Thinking that I'm not as bad as others. I would justify my addiction by saying, " I just watched porn, I'm not masturbating".
To know that there are others like me, I'm not in this alone.
I have four people I talk about this including my wife, so I probably won't inform anyone else at this time.
I haven't wrote any of them down but I will today and send them to my accountability.
Main thing for me is the word surrender, giving it up completely to Jesus, and letting go. Once I surrender it to Him think He can start working in me to heal.
The importance of groups and making connections. Connections are so important in recovery. Addiction thrives in secrecy. Being others who are struggling just like me helps me focus on the things they are important and the importance of staying in recovery.
As stated above, the strength of the group is essential. I can’t recover on my own, or so to just the help of my wife or God. I need others who are also suffering.
I first need to get a sponsor. But I also meet with my therapist on a weekly basis and discus all things with him.
I am in the process of making my boundary list. I have talked extensively with my therapist about boundaries.
I stop my acting out, then I surrender everything to God and let him work through me and with me.
We must stop practicing our compulsion in all its forms. We can’t be sober in one area and act out in another. We stop feeding lust. The eyes, the fantasy, the memory. Stop relishing the language of lust, resentment and rage.
Accountability and shedding more light on lust
Within 24 hours tell Julie of any masturbation, viewing of pornography or grooming another women.
I want to spend more time on setting boundaries, especially on grooming as this is such a natural thing for me to do. When I perceive that a women is attracted to me I am usually attracted to them. I sense that and then I start to flirt and imagine.
When we yield to God we allow his power to come into us. Without yielding or surrendering to him we don’t allow his power to be in and work through us.
The first section on the importance of being part of a fellowship stuck out to me because I've noticed that as I've done less fellowshipping that is when my recovery started to falter. I found less and less connection and in turn found less recovery. I can see what they are saying about the paramount importance of being in contact and connection with others in recovery. In the section "We Stop" it says "we stop living only and always inside our own heads." This is definitely a struggle for me as I feel most comfortable in my own head and I struggle with social contact with others many times. I know that not only my connection with others is important but also connection with God and getting out of my own head that way.
Because that's the only way I can get outside of myself. Being with others who want to talk about their addiction and want to hear about mine allows me to feel comfortable and safe enough to open up and start changing. Without participating in a fellowship
I have a list of folks I still call regularly but would like to add some names to that, so that is something I'd like to work on. But I regularly talk to Josh S, Josh W, Sean W, Thomas W, Ato D, Jason S, and my sponsee Talon, among others.
I've put a number of boundaries into place with my wife, but never really shared them with my sponsor or written them out. Certainly these involve no pornography and masturbation, but also include no innapropriate movies and tv or media, no video games (as this is one of my big issues), no being around other women alone, no innapropriate conversations or relations with other women.
That only through our surrender can God work within us. A sponsor gave me a saying, "Without Him, I can't, Without Me, He Won't." I need to put forth the action of surrender first before God's power is available to me as a resource. Otherwise, I'm putting that pavilion in place which blocks me from God.
That I need to connect. I need to get a sponcer. I know these things but i have not done them.
As a human we are born for connection. It is a place of acceptance and can be a place of love.
I will reach out to my son.
If I feel myself going down the funnel I intervein. I do sayings, turn away, pray, surrender.
God has the power to stop us.
Just starting by attending the meetings. Everyone needs to start somewhere and this is a good place to start.
I need the strength of others.
I am reaching out to my sponsor and someone else that I call everyday.
I don't go in the bathroom with my phone or computer.
I have my wife pause my phone when she is away.
I have my wife lock my computer and log in when I need it. I have to be in the same room as her while using it.
When I am willing to surrendering my will to God then is his power able to work in me.
the reading is on step zero. It mentions "we stop practicing our compulsions in all its forms. We cant be "sober" in one area while acting out in another"
the white book goes on saying: "There can be no true recovery from addiction if we allow it to persist in any area, whether in our thinking or in our acting out"
I need to surrender all areas of my life: lust for sex, lust for food, lust for my wife lust for work
connection is the opposite of addiction
when I make calls I can surrender myself by talking out loud the things that are bothering me.
Going to meeting helps me find a community of healing
I will get my tracker in order
I will reach out to:
Jon B
Colby P
Steve G
Zac A
Travis E
Joey P
I will not look at my phone in the bathroom
I let go to God. I stop fighting and surrender admitting that I'm an addict.
" Forget the steps, forget everything just bring the body." Because in the beginning and even still I worry about not being a religious or spiritual person. So knowing that in the beginning just show up the rest in time will follow. I am beginning to feel my mind open and start letting the the thought of "God" in which has been a relief.
For me it has been essential because of the sense of community or fellowship. I was sober on my own for about 3 months and felt like I was doing good. However with the urging of my wife I started attending meetings. After one meeting I knew it was for me. Not really because of the program but because of the fellowship. I had no idea how alone I felt until I went to the first meeting and it really felt so good to know that there are other men out there that have gone and are going through the same things that I am.
There are a few other guys in the group I attend that I reach out to other than my sponsor.
I avoid any triggering websites and apps such as Youtube, TikTok, Intagram and Facebook.
I believe that it means the when we realize that we are powerless against the addiction on our own and are willing to surrender the thought that we are over to a higher power and see for ourselves that is we give it over to him he will carry that burden for us.
The part about attending meetings regularly and surrendering to others. Because it really helps maintain sobriety.
Because you can't do it alone.
Right now I am wanting to reach out to 1 member of my group.
I just started looking at some boundries. Right now, I will not look at any inappropriate immages on my phone, computer or anything else. I will not go anywhere without my wife going with me or I have her approval and she knowas exactly what I am doing
As we obtain thr hrlp of others and surrender to ourselves to God, We stop using our "drug" then rely his power in our lives to truly change.
It certainly stuck out to me how the focus is on honesty. I think that's been my main issue, because I'm scared of being abandoned. Even though the Esther Perel book talks about the worth of honesty on different levels, I think I have tried to embrace that definition for my own safety. I need to confront that head on.
Community is everything, and it's always helpful to embrace.
My mother, my therapist, and be responsive to my partner, Ashley.
Waiting on boundary sheet, but I know that my main boundary being set is letting Ashley grow with time and not imposing.
Letting myself receive the love and wisdom of a higher power can only happen once I clear my mind of the carnal and selfish desires, etc.
You have to be apart of a SA group. Because if you're not, you're on your own, and as all of have proven. Non of us can have recovery on our own.
Opening up and sharing so the weight of what we are carrying is shared. There is very little recovery until you can open your own heart and soul to others.
I reach out to God, who gives me strength of hope to continue. I also reach out to my wife when it's ok. I also reach out to the 2 groups I meet with weekly.
Anger - recognize and apologize immediately
Triggers - recognize and do what is necessary to not let it cause me to do a addict behavior
Be brutely honest with myself, my sponsor, and most importantly, my GOD
Let humility run my life
Without stopping the acting out and the total surrender to God, we are not at a place where we have given God the power to affect us.
It stuck to me the part that it mentions that I cannot be in recovery or sober if I'm still acting out in other areas of my mind. Such as my thoughts, fantasies and even including memories; which this has been a huge problem for me, my addiction or lust always takes me back to the past. To the past self, past relationship, past feelings, these are another "addictions" that I need to stop.
I also realized that I have not been 100% committed to my group, I think in all honesty I've tried lightly my meetings by getting there late and not be present in the introduction and sometimes in the group reading.
For what I have learned in the last year of attending to meetings, for me is essential participation because my brothers in group become my community, they have supported me when I have made the active choice of reaching out, and I hope I can do the same some day for someone like me.
Through this program I have obtained a sponsor that has been very supportive during my recovery and that essentially because of him, I was able to share my step 1 with my fellowship / brothers in recovery.
Jason, Jake, and Jordan.
After reading from the material above in the link, I realized that I need two kinds of boundaries: Positive boundaries and "No" boundaries
Positive:
- I will attend to my 12 step meeting each week (even when I move, I can do it online)
- I will do daily step work
- I will contact my sponsor and brothers in recovery when I'm triggered, preoccupied, angry, upset or experiencing a very strong unmanageable emotion
- I will exercise in a time where is safer to be in the gym, which normally is early in the Morning during week days and Saturdays afternoons
- I will go to bed by 10:30 p.m. at the latest
No:
- No pornography use or sexual material on YouTube
- No social media on my phone or alone (including LinkedIn)
- No lust or looking on website for pictures of "exes" of people that I know
- No comparing my wife's body to other women that I know or that I see
- No staying up late alone
- No cellphone alone in the bathroom when triggered
For me it means that I now understand that my recovery doesn't depends on my therapist, my sponsor, or my especially my wife. It depends on me to recover and to surrender when I'm triggered, angry or upset. It also means for me that I don't take impulsive decisions when I experience great emotions.
The statement that no one stays sober without a fellowship. It is an absolute. PERIOD. The reading was clear, if you dont have a fellowship, start one, join phone meetings, get involved, serve, etc.
We have to have people to whom to be honest, vulnerable and ask for help. I also loved the last statement that we became "worth it." We could be seen as sick, but worthwhile.
Gratefully, I am blessed with a long list of amazing men who I can contact at any time for support.
Daily step work
Daily contact with God
Daily contact with other addicts
Restrictions on social media
Restrictions on YouTube
No rater R or MA media without first previewing content
To me, it brings to mind the statement, "stand still and see the salvation of God." when I tried to do recovery all on my own I was removing God from the equations. I have to put boundaries and sometimes barriers in place to get myself to stop long enough to have the clarity of mind to turn myself over to God and then surrender to allow Him in to work His miracle in my life.
I really liked the emphasis today on not trying to do it alone. For so long, I feel like I've been trying to fight my addiction all by myself. Even when I started working the steps in earnest, I wanted to do it my own and not let anyone else in on the process. What I am learning today is that that won't work in the long-run and that I won't experience any of the "fringe benefits" of recovery, growth, freedom, and joy.
Because by myself am powerless to lust. I need others to buoy me up and to remind me of where I've been (and where I don't want to go back to). I need to be helping others to remain sober. I need to break the isolation and get out of my own head.
I am committed to reaching out to the men in my family who I know are struggling with this disease. But to be honest, I am having a hard time being committed to reaching out to my sponsor and to my sponsees. I am too protective of my time.
I have a written document called "Personal Boundaries" that lists my boundaries around social media, internet usage, phone usage, and other behaviors that lead me to act out. I will share these with a sponsor and my wife.
This statement to me means that I need to first be willing to do everything in my power to stop acting out, and then God will exercise His power to help me stay stopped.
"The measure of such commitment is the measure of your recovery" This quote really stood out to me because I have commitment and complacency issues. Seems like being committed to this group, what that entails, and this recovery is going to be the only way I become sober and spiritually strong.
Isolation drives addiction. Connection is the opposite of isolation. Getting connected with other men who struggle with the same stuff, that has already helped me not feel so alone. By making this commitment in the presence of others, I am held accountable. That is something I've really struggled with, and this seems like a perfect structure to keep me in a good spot and growing.
My pastor, we are working a mini-sponsorship with listening to a podcast, sharing takeaways and commitments, and weekly phone call check ins... Dave H, Isaac S, and Matt E are guys I enjoy talking to weekly. Frank K, Justin B, Patrick S, and a couple others are guys that I want to at least have a weekly text with.
I have not shared any of these with my sponsor or printed them out yet. After looking through the list, I want to spend more time digging deep about what each of these are going to mean for me. "Emotional and physical space between you and another person." That's already been a big one for me and my fiance. As we work our own recoveries from sexual addiction and codependency, allowing each other the space to work through our own stuff has been huge. I want to continue that.
Stop trying to do things by myself. Stop trying to do things my way. Stop trying to white knuckle. Surrender it over to God. His way is perfect, his strength is divine, he is the only one who will make meaningful change in my life. "Be still and know that I am God", like the verse says. Just stop. Life is crazy enough. The chaos of the addiction is wild enough. Stop and let God do his divine work through me. That's the only way.
That there is no I in team. That to overcome my lust and addictions, I need to connect with others.
I believe its because its about service also. As we start to heal ourselves, we start to heal others through love and honesty.
All my brothers, Matt, Kelly, Scotty, Nic, Marcus,Cary,Tony H., Tye, Jon H, William, Zach, Jordan, Ian, Ben, Shad, Cosme,
Meet with no other woman. Invite no woman, alone to my home.
By connecting with others before you act out or go into your rituals, you break the cycle before it begins.
Already read and trying to get where I am
Surrounding yourself with like minded individuals is important
friends, therapist, wife and family
I have a whole list regarding tech use, travel, and dailies
Committing yourself to a group. I have always tried to do this journey on my own and by doing it on my own I have been able to not fully commit myself to the healing that is necessary for change. I have been able to mask it the way I want to mask it which is in turn still being part of the problem as I am still masking.
We stop. Not only stopping my sexual addiction but the other things that I put before God in my life. There have been many things that I have let take precedent over God. Stop relishing the language of lust and rage and stop living inside my own head which is why my problem is still a problem.
First off to see that I am not alone and there are others that struggle also. It is easy to say that I am not the only one but when you see other men who are fighting and who are trying to become better, healthier men; it gives hope. It gives hope that I'm not all alone out there and there are others who understand the fact that I would put my needs ahead of my loved ones and I would make choices that hurt those I love the most.
Also to have someone who can be there for me when I need someone to talk to or I need some guidance out of a possible bad situation where I will have action then regret.
I will find someone on the call list and reach out to them. This has been a struggle of mine in reaching out. I have always said that no one has time to speak to me and they don't care but they do care and are here to help. I find that this will be easier the more meetings I attend and get comfortable with the men in my group.
I have put boundaries in place in my life to not let those who negatively affect me in my life such as my parents. Alison and I have boundaries in place that we are to connect with one another each night before bed and that we are to connect with one another regarding my daily work. This helps us to be on the same page and to stay connected. I have not been consistent at all with this but it is my intention to do so now. It has been easy for me to establish boundaries for myself but living by Alison's boundaries has been something that I have not done and not respected. I have to put boundaries in place for me to listen to her and to respect her boundaries for her and for myself. If I cannot respect her boundaries how can I expect anyone else to respect mine.
I turn my whole life; past, present, and future over to God. I am no longer in control and He is in control of me now. Not my will but God's will be done in my life. With the power of God in me and God standing beside me there is nothing that the devil can throw at me that He will not squash, that He will not overthrow. He has won the battle, the war, and eternity. I just have to surrender all of my being to God each and every day and do so until He calls me up to Heaven. It is only possible with giving God complete control. I have tried to control my life and everyone else's life for my whole life. God is in control.
