That I need to connect. I need to get a sponcer. I know these things but i have not done them.
As a human we are born for connection. It is a place of acceptance and can be a place of love.
I will reach out to my son.
If I feel myself going down the funnel I intervein. I do sayings, turn away, pray, surrender.
God has the power to stop us.
Just starting by attending the meetings. Everyone needs to start somewhere and this is a good place to start.
I need the strength of others.
I am reaching out to my sponsor and someone else that I call everyday.
I don't go in the bathroom with my phone or computer.
I have my wife pause my phone when she is away.
I have my wife lock my computer and log in when I need it. I have to be in the same room as her while using it.
When I am willing to surrendering my will to God then is his power able to work in me.
the reading is on step zero. It mentions "we stop practicing our compulsions in all its forms. We cant be "sober" in one area while acting out in another"
the white book goes on saying: "There can be no true recovery from addiction if we allow it to persist in any area, whether in our thinking or in our acting out"
I need to surrender all areas of my life: lust for sex, lust for food, lust for my wife lust for work
connection is the opposite of addiction
when I make calls I can surrender myself by talking out loud the things that are bothering me.
Going to meeting helps me find a community of healing
I will get my tracker in order
I will reach out to:
Jon B
Colby P
Steve G
Zac A
Travis E
Joey P
I will not look at my phone in the bathroom
I let go to God. I stop fighting and surrender admitting that I'm an addict.
" Forget the steps, forget everything just bring the body." Because in the beginning and even still I worry about not being a religious or spiritual person. So knowing that in the beginning just show up the rest in time will follow. I am beginning to feel my mind open and start letting the the thought of "God" in which has been a relief.
For me it has been essential because of the sense of community or fellowship. I was sober on my own for about 3 months and felt like I was doing good. However with the urging of my wife I started attending meetings. After one meeting I knew it was for me. Not really because of the program but because of the fellowship. I had no idea how alone I felt until I went to the first meeting and it really felt so good to know that there are other men out there that have gone and are going through the same things that I am.
There are a few other guys in the group I attend that I reach out to other than my sponsor.
I avoid any triggering websites and apps such as Youtube, TikTok, Intagram and Facebook.
I believe that it means the when we realize that we are powerless against the addiction on our own and are willing to surrender the thought that we are over to a higher power and see for ourselves that is we give it over to him he will carry that burden for us.
The part about attending meetings regularly and surrendering to others. Because it really helps maintain sobriety.
Because you can't do it alone.
Right now I am wanting to reach out to 1 member of my group.
I just started looking at some boundries. Right now, I will not look at any inappropriate immages on my phone, computer or anything else. I will not go anywhere without my wife going with me or I have her approval and she knowas exactly what I am doing
As we obtain thr hrlp of others and surrender to ourselves to God, We stop using our "drug" then rely his power in our lives to truly change.
It certainly stuck out to me how the focus is on honesty. I think that's been my main issue, because I'm scared of being abandoned. Even though the Esther Perel book talks about the worth of honesty on different levels, I think I have tried to embrace that definition for my own safety. I need to confront that head on.
Community is everything, and it's always helpful to embrace.
My mother, my therapist, and be responsive to my partner, Ashley.
Waiting on boundary sheet, but I know that my main boundary being set is letting Ashley grow with time and not imposing.
Letting myself receive the love and wisdom of a higher power can only happen once I clear my mind of the carnal and selfish desires, etc.
You have to be apart of a SA group. Because if you're not, you're on your own, and as all of have proven. Non of us can have recovery on our own.
Opening up and sharing so the weight of what we are carrying is shared. There is very little recovery until you can open your own heart and soul to others.
I reach out to God, who gives me strength of hope to continue. I also reach out to my wife when it's ok. I also reach out to the 2 groups I meet with weekly.
Anger - recognize and apologize immediately
Triggers - recognize and do what is necessary to not let it cause me to do a addict behavior
Be brutely honest with myself, my sponsor, and most importantly, my GOD
Let humility run my life
Without stopping the acting out and the total surrender to God, we are not at a place where we have given God the power to affect us.
It stuck to me the part that it mentions that I cannot be in recovery or sober if I'm still acting out in other areas of my mind. Such as my thoughts, fantasies and even including memories; which this has been a huge problem for me, my addiction or lust always takes me back to the past. To the past self, past relationship, past feelings, these are another "addictions" that I need to stop.
I also realized that I have not been 100% committed to my group, I think in all honesty I've tried lightly my meetings by getting there late and not be present in the introduction and sometimes in the group reading.
For what I have learned in the last year of attending to meetings, for me is essential participation because my brothers in group become my community, they have supported me when I have made the active choice of reaching out, and I hope I can do the same some day for someone like me.
Through this program I have obtained a sponsor that has been very supportive during my recovery and that essentially because of him, I was able to share my step 1 with my fellowship / brothers in recovery.
Jason, Jake, and Jordan.
After reading from the material above in the link, I realized that I need two kinds of boundaries: Positive boundaries and "No" boundaries
Positive:
- I will attend to my 12 step meeting each week (even when I move, I can do it online)
- I will do daily step work
- I will contact my sponsor and brothers in recovery when I'm triggered, preoccupied, angry, upset or experiencing a very strong unmanageable emotion
- I will exercise in a time where is safer to be in the gym, which normally is early in the Morning during week days and Saturdays afternoons
- I will go to bed by 10:30 p.m. at the latest
No:
- No pornography use or sexual material on YouTube
- No social media on my phone or alone (including LinkedIn)
- No lust or looking on website for pictures of "exes" of people that I know
- No comparing my wife's body to other women that I know or that I see
- No staying up late alone
- No cellphone alone in the bathroom when triggered
For me it means that I now understand that my recovery doesn't depends on my therapist, my sponsor, or my especially my wife. It depends on me to recover and to surrender when I'm triggered, angry or upset. It also means for me that I don't take impulsive decisions when I experience great emotions.
The statement that no one stays sober without a fellowship. It is an absolute. PERIOD. The reading was clear, if you dont have a fellowship, start one, join phone meetings, get involved, serve, etc.
We have to have people to whom to be honest, vulnerable and ask for help. I also loved the last statement that we became "worth it." We could be seen as sick, but worthwhile.
Gratefully, I am blessed with a long list of amazing men who I can contact at any time for support.
Daily step work
Daily contact with God
Daily contact with other addicts
Restrictions on social media
Restrictions on YouTube
No rater R or MA media without first previewing content
To me, it brings to mind the statement, "stand still and see the salvation of God." when I tried to do recovery all on my own I was removing God from the equations. I have to put boundaries and sometimes barriers in place to get myself to stop long enough to have the clarity of mind to turn myself over to God and then surrender to allow Him in to work His miracle in my life.
I really liked the emphasis today on not trying to do it alone. For so long, I feel like I've been trying to fight my addiction all by myself. Even when I started working the steps in earnest, I wanted to do it my own and not let anyone else in on the process. What I am learning today is that that won't work in the long-run and that I won't experience any of the "fringe benefits" of recovery, growth, freedom, and joy.
Because by myself am powerless to lust. I need others to buoy me up and to remind me of where I've been (and where I don't want to go back to). I need to be helping others to remain sober. I need to break the isolation and get out of my own head.
I am committed to reaching out to the men in my family who I know are struggling with this disease. But to be honest, I am having a hard time being committed to reaching out to my sponsor and to my sponsees. I am too protective of my time.
I have a written document called "Personal Boundaries" that lists my boundaries around social media, internet usage, phone usage, and other behaviors that lead me to act out. I will share these with a sponsor and my wife.
This statement to me means that I need to first be willing to do everything in my power to stop acting out, and then God will exercise His power to help me stay stopped.
"The measure of such commitment is the measure of your recovery" This quote really stood out to me because I have commitment and complacency issues. Seems like being committed to this group, what that entails, and this recovery is going to be the only way I become sober and spiritually strong.
Isolation drives addiction. Connection is the opposite of isolation. Getting connected with other men who struggle with the same stuff, that has already helped me not feel so alone. By making this commitment in the presence of others, I am held accountable. That is something I've really struggled with, and this seems like a perfect structure to keep me in a good spot and growing.
My pastor, we are working a mini-sponsorship with listening to a podcast, sharing takeaways and commitments, and weekly phone call check ins... Dave H, Isaac S, and Matt E are guys I enjoy talking to weekly. Frank K, Justin B, Patrick S, and a couple others are guys that I want to at least have a weekly text with.
I have not shared any of these with my sponsor or printed them out yet. After looking through the list, I want to spend more time digging deep about what each of these are going to mean for me. "Emotional and physical space between you and another person." That's already been a big one for me and my fiance. As we work our own recoveries from sexual addiction and codependency, allowing each other the space to work through our own stuff has been huge. I want to continue that.
Stop trying to do things by myself. Stop trying to do things my way. Stop trying to white knuckle. Surrender it over to God. His way is perfect, his strength is divine, he is the only one who will make meaningful change in my life. "Be still and know that I am God", like the verse says. Just stop. Life is crazy enough. The chaos of the addiction is wild enough. Stop and let God do his divine work through me. That's the only way.
That there is no I in team. That to overcome my lust and addictions, I need to connect with others.
I believe its because its about service also. As we start to heal ourselves, we start to heal others through love and honesty.
All my brothers, Matt, Kelly, Scotty, Nic, Marcus,Cary,Tony H., Tye, Jon H, William, Zach, Jordan, Ian, Ben, Shad, Cosme,
Meet with no other woman. Invite no woman, alone to my home.
By connecting with others before you act out or go into your rituals, you break the cycle before it begins.
Already read and trying to get where I am
Surrounding yourself with like minded individuals is important
friends, therapist, wife and family
I have a whole list regarding tech use, travel, and dailies
Committing yourself to a group. I have always tried to do this journey on my own and by doing it on my own I have been able to not fully commit myself to the healing that is necessary for change. I have been able to mask it the way I want to mask it which is in turn still being part of the problem as I am still masking.
We stop. Not only stopping my sexual addiction but the other things that I put before God in my life. There have been many things that I have let take precedent over God. Stop relishing the language of lust and rage and stop living inside my own head which is why my problem is still a problem.
First off to see that I am not alone and there are others that struggle also. It is easy to say that I am not the only one but when you see other men who are fighting and who are trying to become better, healthier men; it gives hope. It gives hope that I'm not all alone out there and there are others who understand the fact that I would put my needs ahead of my loved ones and I would make choices that hurt those I love the most.
Also to have someone who can be there for me when I need someone to talk to or I need some guidance out of a possible bad situation where I will have action then regret.
I will find someone on the call list and reach out to them. This has been a struggle of mine in reaching out. I have always said that no one has time to speak to me and they don't care but they do care and are here to help. I find that this will be easier the more meetings I attend and get comfortable with the men in my group.
I have put boundaries in place in my life to not let those who negatively affect me in my life such as my parents. Alison and I have boundaries in place that we are to connect with one another each night before bed and that we are to connect with one another regarding my daily work. This helps us to be on the same page and to stay connected. I have not been consistent at all with this but it is my intention to do so now. It has been easy for me to establish boundaries for myself but living by Alison's boundaries has been something that I have not done and not respected. I have to put boundaries in place for me to listen to her and to respect her boundaries for her and for myself. If I cannot respect her boundaries how can I expect anyone else to respect mine.
I turn my whole life; past, present, and future over to God. I am no longer in control and He is in control of me now. Not my will but God's will be done in my life. With the power of God in me and God standing beside me there is nothing that the devil can throw at me that He will not squash, that He will not overthrow. He has won the battle, the war, and eternity. I just have to surrender all of my being to God each and every day and do so until He calls me up to Heaven. It is only possible with giving God complete control. I have tried to control my life and everyone else's life for my whole life. God is in control.
Recovery is a personal journey but having others to support us through the journey is cruci
Because connection is the opposite of addiction.
God, spouse, and the group
Sti working on that.
Incorporating God into our Recovery is the only true way to success
We had settled a thousand times.
Reminds me of the Twain quote: Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it dozens of times.
There is something more to it and it is rooted in connection
Get out of the shame cycle. Eliminate the false belief that I am alone and that I can and need to do this on my own.
SAL members. Close family members(brother Jeremy, wife Nicole), friends in recovery: Adam and Walker.
Phone app and website blockers. Surfing internet in my car. Unfiltered TV. Weekly check ins with sponsor and weekly meetings.
I can't wait for God to take away the desire or to wave his hand to make it go away. I have to commit to living in his chosen path then after the leap of faith, trust that I will receive his strength to sustain me.
If I allow my addiction to persist in any area then I am choosing to not be in recovery.
Constant reminders and serving others. Comradery and such is a big deal.
Therapist, spouse, friends, coworkers.
I have an entire list of boundaries that I obey and follow
We choose to stop acting out. Then we turn to God because we cannot do this without him. He is what makes this possible.
"We can't do it alone." I had tried for years to find recovery without involving other people. I was useless and I relapsed repeatedly. I have proven that it doesn't work. I know I need the group. I "cannot maintain effective surrender, see [myself] rightly" without group participation. "Attend every meeting on time... the measure of such commitment will be the measure of [my] recovery" also stood out. I will strive to be more consistent and diligent in my meetings.
My addiction thrives in the dark. Shame and isolation are a perfect incubator for the negative feelings that push me toward escapism and acting out. I can't handle my weakness on my own. Expecting me to be able to solve my problem would be like expecting a drowning man to throw himself a life preserver. He just doesn't have it in his power. Nor do I. I must have the input of power from outside myself or I will remain trapped.
I will call a brother who I have never called and two brothers who might be able to be my sponsor. I will also call two of my regular, trusted brothers who I haven't called for a while: Travis and Jon.
I reach out to connect with heaven and work on recovery every morning and plan ahead to make it possible.
I will call Ruth ahead of time if I need to stay at work late (after 6pm).
I won't watch a movie without reviewing IMDB parents' guide for safety first.
I stay off Google image search, Apple music search, CNN, youtube, Linked-in unless another person is in view of my screen.
God can and will save me from my sins, but not in my sins. He will not force me to accept recovery. But, if I submit my will to Him by surrendering what I want to do what He wants instead and seek His power, then He can work miracles. But only if I truly want them enough to accept the conditions give by God. "Will I let Him?" is the central question.
We expected God or therapists to fix us and stop us from acting out. But when we stopped ourselves and in that surrender Gods power became alive in us.
This hit home to me because that is my thought process. I expect God to stop me however, he wants me to have free will and make choices. If I surrender to him he will give me the strength to overcome but ultimately I have to make that choice.
I can’t do this on my own. I believe that God works through other people. I need to connect with people who know my struggles. I have experienced times when someone has reached out to me right when I needed it.
Tanner F
Alan H
Justin B
Joe S
Harrison S
No social media when I am alone
No movies with sex or nudity
Attend at least one meeting per week
Call at least one person a day
No scrolling the Internet
No news sites
I have to make the choice. God is not going to force me to stop. As I lean on him and rely on Him He will deliver me and change my heart. He will do for me what I cannot do for myself.
As obvious as it sounds, getting out of my own head and playing a more active role in my recovery is what it is going to take for me to be surrender and be free from addiction. It stuck out more for me because I know it is the biggest reason I have failed. I struggle accepting that others will know my pain and understand. It's hard to convey to my wife that this addiction is not something I chose and continue to choose. It is something that was an escape from the pain until pain was familiar and all I knew, and my addiction tricked me into thinking that it would be my friend and help me in my life's endeavors, but all it did was cause pain everywhere.
If you participate more actively in your own recovery, it will give you the strength to help those who helped you. You cannot pursue recovery alone, you need help and guidance because the way you've done it before is why you are where you are now.
I still need to find a sponsor, but I am committed to reach out to my wife and my kids, try to reach out to my friends. I am too comfortable not communicating with my wife and people I know and live inside my head or bury my head in my phone rather than live in the present.
I still do not have a sponsor, but so far the boundaries I have set so far is I have deleted social media on my phone, installed accountability apps on all my devices, and I do not watch any movies/tv that has more adult content that can trigger me.
We stop fighting change to be better. We believe in ourselves and allow our faith to give us the strength we need to keep moving forward.
I thought it was interesting that it said you can't recover without being part of a group. I think it could be more accurately said that you can't recover without real connection and accountability, and a group is a great way to provide that. I also liked that it talked about stopping as part of step zero, and that it wasn't up to our therapist or God or anyone else to fix us--we STOP, then as we surrender, the power of God heals us. There is a requirement from me, and it does require a lot of effort on my part to stop making self-destructive choices. It is on me to stay sober, and as I do so and surrender it, God helps us. I do also like that it pointed out that at first going to group is uncomfortable and we might have to drag our body along. It also talked about calling people randomly being uncomfortable, but that's what really brings sobriety, when you do that. I can at least do that. if I'm feeling tempted, it'll be helpful to call even a complete stranger and surrender that desire.
It isn't up to my therapist or my mom or the thought of past relationships or my classmates or Emily or my sponsor or group or roommate or anyone to fix me. I have to stop, with the support of these people, but by my own decision. If I don't, they can't help me, and God can't help me heal. He cannot force me against my agency. I have to give everything for my heart to be open to His healing.
I think the key is to really be open because the opposite of addiction is connection. It can be really hard to connect with people and be honest, especially when my behavior affects them. Calling antoher person that has struggled or is also struggling is a way to really take the shame factor out of the equation. I'm les scared to call them, but it can also be less motivating, so I have to act even when I don't want to and reach out even if it makes me uncomfortable. I can really use that phone list and get to the point where I can be open and accountable. It's so critical to connect because there are times when I feel I don't have any strength on my own. In those moments, it is extremely helpful to rely on the strength of others--all I have to do is reach out.
I think the key is to really be open because the opposite of addiction is connection. It can be really hard to connect with people and be honest, especially when my behavior affects them. Calling antoher person that has struggled or is also struggling is a way to really take the shame factor out of the equation. I'm les scared to call them, but it can also be less motivating, so I have to act even when I don't want to and reach out even if it makes me uncomfortable. I can really use that phone list and get to the point where I can be open and accountable. It's so critical to connect because there are times when I feel I don't have any strength on my own. In those moments, it is extremely helpful to rely on the strength of others--all I have to do is reach out.
Isolation is my biggest enemy. It's a huge temptation, but isolating myself from others is destroying me. I have to reach out and connect and interact even when I don't want to. There is no other way to health and healing.
I can call one person a day. I can do that. Mom counts, Dad counts, Amber, Tate, Stephen, even Ellie. And I can call the members of the group. At least one every other day. It's so hard for me and feels so awkward but it really is the best way to get used to this so I can learn not to be ashamed and not to pull away and hide myself.
1. I will alter my forms of digital entertainment. I will not watch YouTube channels that are sexually charged or use explicit language, even if those channels are ones I enjoy. Safe channels for entertainment include Backfire, Outdoor Boys, Kentucky Ballistics, CountryMusicTeacher, etc. I will not use more than 1 hour of digital entertainment per day that is isolated or alone without getting clearance from somebody close to me that knows my goals (games, YouTube, TV, etc). I will not use any digital entertainment that could be distracting while driving. I will not engage with sexually charged TV shows and will not renew any subscriptions to streaming services.
2. I will not view any digital entertainment alone in my bedroom or in the bathroom for any reason. My ipad and computer are not allowed in either area for any reason.
3. No passionate kissing or touching with my partner in any future relationship
4. I must be accountable to at least one person each day about how I am doing.
5. I will do daily step work, scripture study, and prayer
6. No viewing online pornography or masturbating. No intentionally viewing online images of women's bodies for the purpose of pursuing lust.
7. No more than 10 minutes in the shower (timer must be set).
8. No incognito tab or search history clearing of any kind.
9. No reading movie cleanliness ratings without the express purpose of evaluating a movie I have a specific plan to watch.
10. No using my phone in the restroom. Keep in in my pocket or on the sink
11. No closed bedroom door except when changing or sleeping.
12. Study at the desk or sitting upright on the couch.
13. No sleeping in past 9 AM for any reason (nap later if necessary)
I think this is something I was confused about. How can I say I'm powerless but also say that God is the one that makes the change? i think the key is, I'm powerless over lust and I'm powerless to change my heart and mind. But I do have some willpower and the ability to decide to stop and quit using these materials. That is my choice and my responsibility, and I have to take responsibility for turning away in those instances. As I do and as I surrender, God gives me the strength not to act out and heals my damaged mind.
I might be powerless over lust, but I'm not powerless over my behavior. I have the obligation and responsibility to take action to avoid situations that trigger lust and surrender lust that I experience to another person.
How important it is to get outside of ourselves and get involved with a group. Having had a group experience for the last few years, I can definitely see the power of the group in gaining strength, hearing about the experiences of others, and being there to support each other.
I have tried to go it alone for way too many years and it does not lead to accountability or change. When I have a group that I have to check in with, it makes a big difference for me. I draw a lot of strength and support from the group and feel their love and support
I think I could reach out to almost anyone in my in-person group or in my new online group should I need help, support, or just to surrender something to another person. I have a long list of those I can reach out to.
I have several that I have put into place over the last few years:
1. Sleeping in the same room as my wife and going to bed about the same time as each other.
2. Not watching Netflix except with her, even though there are several shows that might not be triggering.
3. Not going to pornographic or borderline websites.
4. Regular couple prayer and scripture study.
5. Regular church and temple attendance,
I need to work recovery for myself, row my own boat, keep my side of the street clean and do it for myself by surrendering to God. I cannot do this alone, but with God and the support of others, I can experience positive recovery.
The things that stuck out were the importance of being a part of a group as I work recovery. For me, I will lean primarily on the men from the Rising Sons retreat to be my group.
I don’t think recovery can be effectively done alone. I need the benefit of interacting with and relating to other great men in recovery.
I am committed to checking in daily on Marco Polo to the Rising Sons group.
I will be working with Jeremy on boundaries, bottom lines and dailies next week.
I take this to mean that I may have the power to stop, but if I want to avoid going back to my addiction, I will need to allow God to enter the picture and become my partner.
The importance of working recovery with a group. Belonging to a group is important. For me, the group will primarily be the Rising Sons group from the retreat.
I think establishing group relationships of recovery is a blessing for me to help me listen and feel connection, and talk and feel connection.
Abandoning all ramifications of the addiction has to happen
For me I have to start with accountability. If I can share my goals, my sobriety day, my forms of acting out, my weaknesses, my fears, those people are bound to me and I am to them. We are anonymous but we know aspects of their livglives and they know aspects of my life that
At least two more calls besides my sponsor
It is interesting because I feel I have boundaries but right now I’m in a vulnerable situation. I have put myself the boundary to not discuss marriage issues outside my marriage except bishop, therapist and someone in recovery, like my sponsor.
I cannot change my own nature, but I can make decisions . By abandoning my addiction behaviors and surrendering my shortcomings God can act on me to change
