How important it is to get outside of ourselves and get involved with a group. Having had a group experience for the last few years, I can definitely see the power of the group in gaining strength, hearing about the experiences of others, and being there to support each other.
I have tried to go it alone for way too many years and it does not lead to accountability or change. When I have a group that I have to check in with, it makes a big difference for me. I draw a lot of strength and support from the group and feel their love and support
I think I could reach out to almost anyone in my in-person group or in my new online group should I need help, support, or just to surrender something to another person. I have a long list of those I can reach out to.
I have several that I have put into place over the last few years:
1. Sleeping in the same room as my wife and going to bed about the same time as each other.
2. Not watching Netflix except with her, even though there are several shows that might not be triggering.
3. Not going to pornographic or borderline websites.
4. Regular couple prayer and scripture study.
5. Regular church and temple attendance,
I need to work recovery for myself, row my own boat, keep my side of the street clean and do it for myself by surrendering to God. I cannot do this alone, but with God and the support of others, I can experience positive recovery.
The things that stuck out were the importance of being a part of a group as I work recovery. For me, I will lean primarily on the men from the Rising Sons retreat to be my group.
I don’t think recovery can be effectively done alone. I need the benefit of interacting with and relating to other great men in recovery.
I am committed to checking in daily on Marco Polo to the Rising Sons group.
I will be working with Jeremy on boundaries, bottom lines and dailies next week.
I take this to mean that I may have the power to stop, but if I want to avoid going back to my addiction, I will need to allow God to enter the picture and become my partner.
The importance of working recovery with a group. Belonging to a group is important. For me, the group will primarily be the Rising Sons group from the retreat.
I think establishing group relationships of recovery is a blessing for me to help me listen and feel connection, and talk and feel connection.
Abandoning all ramifications of the addiction has to happen
For me I have to start with accountability. If I can share my goals, my sobriety day, my forms of acting out, my weaknesses, my fears, those people are bound to me and I am to them. We are anonymous but we know aspects of their livglives and they know aspects of my life that
At least two more calls besides my sponsor
It is interesting because I feel I have boundaries but right now I’m in a vulnerable situation. I have put myself the boundary to not discuss marriage issues outside my marriage except bishop, therapist and someone in recovery, like my sponsor.
I cannot change my own nature, but I can make decisions . By abandoning my addiction behaviors and surrendering my shortcomings God can act on me to change
I thought it was interesting that it said you can't recover without being part of a group. I think it could be more accurately said that you can't recover without real connection and accountability, and a group is a great way to provide that. I also liked that it talked about stopping as part of step zero, and that it wasn't up to our therapist or God or anyone else to fix us--we STOP, then as we surrender, the power of God heals us. There is a requirement from me, and it does require a lot of effort on my part to stop using the addiction. It is on me to stay sober, and as I do so and surrender it, God helps us. I do also like that it pointed out that at first going to group is uncomfortable and we might have to drag our body along. It also talked about calling people randomly being uncomfortable, but that's what really brings sobriety, when you do that. I can at least do that. if I'm feeling tempted, it'll be helpful to call even a complete stranger and surrender that desire.
I think the key is to really be open because the opposite of addiction is connection. It can be really hard to connect with people and be honest, especially when my behavior affects them. Calling antoher person that has struggled or is also struggling is a way to really take the shame factor out of the equation. I'm les scared to call them, but it can also be less motivating, so I have to act even when I don't want to and reach out even if it makes me uncomfortable. I can really use that phone list and get to the point where I can be open and accountable. It's so critical to connect because there are times when I feel I don't have any strength on my own. In those moments, it is extremely helpful to rely on the strength of others--all I have to do is reach out.
I am committed to reach out to one person on the list this week. I am adding that to my goals. It is uncomfortable but I think I'm going to call patrick or Jason or Darryl (or bryn) this week. I think it will be a good help, especially if I'm feeling tempted. I commit to that and pray that I will remember that commitment in a time of difficulty or doubt or fear.
I don't yet have a sponsor, but some helpful bottom lines include
1. I will be honest about my difficulties and share with my significant other when I struggle
2. I will not watch YouTube channels that are sexually charged or use explicit language, even if those channels are ones I enjoy (DemoRanch, Donut, Brandon Herrera, Garand Thumb, etc).
3. I will not engage with sexually charged TV shows (Psych, NCIS both can be danger areas. Maybe it'd be wise to reach out to someone when I want to watch such a show and surrender afterwards if needed)
4. I will not view any digital entertainment alone in my bedroom or in the bathroom.
5. I will not lie about my behavior or my activities to my significant other
6. I will take accountability when my partner has a trauma reaction
7. No passionate kissing or touching with my partner (body positioning)
8. I will check in daily with my partner if she desires
9. I will do daily step work, scripture study, exercise (15 min), and prayer
10. No viewing online pornography or masturbating. No intentionally viewing online images of women's bodies with or without clothing.
11. Talk to my partner about this list and make a plan for going forward
I think this is something I was confused about. How can I say I'm powerless but also say that God is the one that makes the change? i think the key is, I'm powerless over lust and I'm powerless to change my heart and mind. But I do have some willpower and the ability to decide to stop and quit using these materials. That is my choice and my responsibility, and I have to take responsibility for turning away in those instances. As I do and as I surrender, God gives me the strength not to act out and heals my damaged mind.
During the 7 pm SAL online Zoom meeting tonight, we read in the SAL book, page 168-170. "What Recovery Looks Like: Humble, Honest, and Accountable". I had a strong feeling that I am not being humble. I still think I can do the work, my way. This is a lie I have been telling myself. I felt like I need to change this attitude about myself. Like it says on page 170, "As [I] create space in [my] heart and mind to be shown a better way -- by God and others --- [I] invite change to the only thing [I] truly have any influence over: [myself]."
Humility to me means, I could be wrong, right now, and I need to study for myself and reach out to others and God for help.
Because it connects me to reality. My discussing, being vulnerable, and sharing with others and hearing others share to me, I am more likely to understand where I'm at in my own recovery and learn from others along the way.
TJ L - sponsor
Hector L - accountability partner
Zac A - Book of Mormon study group leader
Christianne - my wife
No media in my room after 11 pm bedtime.
When I stop doing things my way and surrender to God, that I am wrong, He is right, and I'm truly willing to give my will over to Him, then His power plays a role in my life and I am not left unto myself. I can actually have His help.
The importance, and necessity of interaction with others. It wasn't in this reading, but I heard it said that when we are in our own heads we are behind enemy lines. We can never truly overcome our compulsions in isolation. WE have to be part of a group. A fellowship. One that we can learn from each other and give back at the same time. This is essential to get out of our own heads, practice humility by listening and learning from others, and practice in a small way Step 12 by helping others in the group. It is an essential balance of giving and receiving that is necessary for us to overcome our obsession with lust.
See above.
I haven't yet made a commitment to reach out to anyone else during the week. I will try reaching out to someone from the group.
Must Do:
• Doing my daily routine of recovery and step work.
• Being accountable by going to meetings regularly and reporting to my sponsor.
Must NOT Do:
• Getting up before 5:00am
• Following my curiosity when triggered when that action would further my triggering. No gateway drugs!! In other words, not allowing myself to entertain lustful thoughts or rituals.
• Taking my phone with me into the bathroom.
• I will not do or say anything to Megan that is out of a lustful mindset.
To this means that we cannot have any recovery from lust if we are still acting out in lust. As long as we are acting out we are being controlled by our obsession for lust. Once we stop, we allow space for the power of God in our lives to help us overcome our obsession for lust. It is surrendering to God that allows us to strip our pride and addictive tendencies and allow His grace to work in us.
The importance, and necessity of interaction with others. It wasn't in this reading, but I heard it said that when we are in our own heads we are behind enemy lines. We can never truly overcome our compulsions in isolation. WE have to be part of a group. A fellowship. One that we can learn from each other and give back at the same time. This is essential to get out of our own heads, practice humility by listening and learning from others, and practice in a small way Step 12 by helping others in the group. It is an essential balance of giving and receiving that is necessary for us to overcome our obsession with lust.
See above.
I haven't yet made a commitment to reach out to anyone else during the week. I will try reaching out to someone from the group.
Must Do:
• Doing my daily routine of recovery and step work.
• Being accountable by going to meetings regularly and reporting to my sponsor.
Must NOT Do:
• Getting up before 5:00am
• Following my curiosity when triggered when that action would further my triggering. No gateway drugs!! In other words, not allowing myself to entertain lustful thoughts or rituals.
• Taking my phone with me into the bathroom.
• I will not do or say anything to Megan that is out of a lustful mindset.
To this means that we cannot have any recovery from lust if we are still acting out in lust. As long as we are acting out we are being controlled by our obsession for lust. Once we stop, we allow space for the power of God in our lives to help us overcome our obsession for lust. It is surrendering to God that allows us to strip our pride and addictive tendencies and allow His grace to work in us.
fellows, friends, family
no searching, clicking; no self soothing.
Surrendering our will to God gives him power over us.
The part that stuck out to me the most is on page 65 where it says that "The program doesn't tell us how to stop-we had done that a thousand and one times-it shows us how to keep from starting again." This concept really gives me a different perspective on my acting out because it is so true, I can't count the number of times that I have stopped, the problem has always been that I have started up again. Another thing that I liked from the reading, was that even though I have had a strong support network throughout my recovery, I have never thought that attending recovery meetings was so important to my success in recovery.
I have always believed that it was important to my recovery to have a good support network and to have people that I could trust and who I could be vulnerable with. I think that what I was lacking was that it was essential to incorporate that support into a more organized relationship where we were all working towards common goals that helped to unit us in our efforts to maintain our sobriety and stay in recovery.
I am committed to reaching out to my Brothers, my cousin, one member of my SAL group and one other friend.
I am working with my wife to establish a set of healthy recovery boundaries currently but do not have them finished yet.
It requires us to take action before the power of God can take effect in our lives. God cannot just swoop in and fix everything for us, we must first take responsibility for ourselves and then God can have place to work his Grace in us.
Being involved in the fellowship.
Can't do it alone.
Adrina, Meg, whoever comes to mind.
No lust movies. No FB. Limiting pictures.
God works through my willingness to reach out to him for help. For his will to be done.
"Bring the body", even if the mind and will seem lagging behind. I appreciate what was said about how active and regular participation with a 12 step group gets us out of ourselves and in a reason not necessary for explanation, keeps us from acting out. It also stood out to me that "stopping" my acting out isn't something to wait for my spouse, God, or someone else to fix. Furthermore, 12 step meetings do not teach us how to stop the behavior, rather it will help me not start the harmful behavior again.
Participating is what keeps me out of my own mind. It keeps me from developing "stinking thinking," where I think that others do not care about me or I am playing a victim mentality which I am good at doing. It is important for others to be able to call me out on my crap.
I haven't yet thought of this. I suppose fellow group member's phone numbers are listed, so I can make an effort to reach out and support others that may be on the list.
Thus far, boundaries have not been something that I have investigated thoroughly. My sponsor has made it clear that he is there for support whenever needed, but I have not found the need to reach out to him urgently. My wife and I may or may not have healthy boundaries, so I will focus on this and see if we need improvement. Thus far, I am privy to discussing sobriety and any struggles I may be having, but thus far I have not been sorely tempted.
To me, it suggests that simply stopping is insufficient, as I have discovered so well in the past. Only when stopping is accompanied by surrender to the higher power will I receive His help and power. I must stop and then surrender. I knew stopping very well, as I committed to stopping many times before. The surrender component is the next essential ingredient for success.
I loved how it mentioned that the program of recovery (12 steps) don't teach us how to stop acting out (we already know how to do that), it teaches us to not start again. That was an epiphany for me. The importance of getting involved and being in groups. I cannot do it on my own. I need interactions with others who have been where I have been.
Realizing that I am not alone in my struggles is huge. Others have been where I have been and may even be where I am now. There is strength in fellowship and brotherhood. As I trust others and let myself be vulnerable, I am able to see my struggles as manageable and something that I can truly overcome.
My son on a daily basis. My accountability group on a weekly basis. Members of the groups I attend (both online and in-person) throughout the week.
Working on discovering what boundaries I need to put into place.
We realize that we cannot win the battle on our own. We have tried to do that over and over again and we always lose in the end. We are not strong enough to win the fight. The only way to be victorious is to turn the battle over to God. He is undefeated and able to win any battle we surrender to Him. As we do this, the power of God is invited into our lives on a minute to minute basis as we acknowledge and surrender to Him those things we cannot handle on our own.
The importance of connecting with those in the group. Specifically to talk to them in person. I just had a slip, I looked and communicated with others looking to act out.
Looking back the reason for this is letting daily communication slip by the wayside. I have to stop my compulsions in all it's forms. I can't have sobriety if I'm feeding my lust. Whether that's getting hits at the store, fantasizing...trying to put together a fantasy I could use to escape.
It makes get out of our own heads. Connect with someone when often times our acting out and trying to get connection where there is none.
All members of the group. I currently have 12 people .... steven, abe, mark, matt, Peter, Scott, Don
I haven't done them all. So far I have Travel. But I need to do it for trips to the store, fantasy, emergency, parking and sitting and reading the news. Reading the news, not working.
I don't fully understand the concept of surrender. I can give it to God but I can't seem to let it go. I need to become more contemplative to what that means.
Sticking to it. Not stopping the process
Multiple group members
Distance between people
Surrender to God and allow him to take charge
There is a quotation that sticks out the most: "Inside my head, those problems seemed so hopeless. Just bringing them out into the light cut them
down to size." I have always been too ashamed to bring my problems to light. I was too afraid of the consequences, and too afraid of the pain that it would cause to those around me. I had become accustomed to internalizing, and living in my own world. So for me taking pain onto myself just meant more retreat into my fantasy and my inner world. Tee more I retreated, the less I was willing to share. There was another passage about, how, addressing the problem isn't just about stopping, its how to not start again. Something about "we have stopped a thousand and one times before" but the real work was in not starting again. I feel disgusted and sickened with myself.
Without being able to share, by shedding light onto the darkness I've created, I can never recover. It is only by consistently being honest and humble, with others especially and not just myself, that I can continue to recover and not relapse.
I am not sure if I have a sponsor in this program yet, and I assume I will find out this Sunday during the first meeting. If I do not have a sponsor then, I will make sure to get one as soon as possible from a local SA. Other than my sponsor, I will reach out to my fiancée, if she is able to listen, and if not, I am going to come clean to one of my best friends with whom I will keep regular weekly contact.
1. If I am being asked to give up my time, to work for another without recompense, on the implicit premise of things already done for me, I will not accept. Doing so diminishes my value as an individual, takes up my time, burns out my energy, and leaves me dissatisfied with myself in general.
2. I will not tolerate being guilted into accepting a situation on the premise of family relations. I am free to choose my own destiny. Allowing myself to give in to such guilting makes me feel powerless and dissatisfied.
We stop our addictive behavior now, using what willpower we have, and by allowing this program, and others, to come into our lives with the same attitude, we are enabled to truly change. We must not fight our addiction, but surrender to accepting it, admitting to it. Only by acceptance, and understanding it, can we manage it. This is done through the power of others, in community.
Done
Done
Done
No Social Media
No Contact with past sexual partners
No phone in bed
No staying in bed past my alarm
Daily step work
Daily scripture study
Daily connection with others and God
Answered in question one
There is no lasting sobriety without associating with others in the program
We can't do it alone
Strength in numbers, we get help and we give help
Wife, Kids, other SAL members
Do not look at pornography
Do not lie to janee
Do not get a massage
Do not masterbate
Do not be alone with another women other then Janee
Do not go to backpage
Do not go to other websites that solicite
We have to take the first step and then God can work in our lives
I found it interesting that it states that those who do not participate are doomed to fail. The "lone wolf" will eventually revert back to old behaviors. I have experienced that firsthand. I attended some ARP meetings previously, but never actually participated like I should have and never "worked the Steps." I became sober for at time, but it did not last, and now here I am - several years later
I have already seen the benefits of "participating in the fellowship" in my life. Reaching out daily - in fact, just knowing I CAN reach out daily - to another brother who understands and does not judge is a tremendous help. It allows me to talk my way through my emotions and feelings and to surrender them to God. What would previously set me back and cause me to fixate and obsess about is now able to be released and given away, and all because I am able to share it with a brother.
I an committed to reach out to Jeff daily, and I will reach out to 2 others this week from the group. (Enrique and 1 other)
I have not printed out or shared my boundaries with my sponsor yet. I have set boundaries to not use my phone in the bathroom and to not use social media on my phone. I have also decided that I will only watch tv shows on a profile I share with my spouse.
I think it means I take responsibility for my own actions. I put forth the effort, instead of asking my spouse or God to do all the work. Yet, in the "stopping" of my own accord, I find I am unable to do so without His help. It is a paradox, yet it is true. It reminds me of the scripture, "We are saved by grace after all we can do." God gives me the strength and magnifies my efforts, but I still have to put forth the effort.
No one seems able to stay sober and progress in recovery without fellowship in the program.
Man/I is/am a social creature. We need others around to give meaning to our lives. Without others we would whither away and die.
Kurt, Brandon, perhaps others
None as of now, but I'm working on them.
Because I cannot control my obsessive/compulsive behavior (my addictions), all I can do is stop acting out when I realize that I am, say a quick prayer to God for help, and allowing Him to work the miracle in my life and stop the behavior.
How long the members had been in active recovery The feelings of guilt and shame when triggered, the triggering of the wife, How similar the themes are between the group and me.
I think it is a very interesting concept. I am very new to this but will keep myself open to it.
My wife
So far I have a commitment and desire not to do it. I do not feel triggered in any way. I dont know that I have any specific boundaries in place.
That if we consciously stop the acting out and open our hearts to a new way of being the feeling of being and becoming a better person resonates within us.
We stop vs hoping someone something stops us
Show up
My wofe
No porn
We stop so god can guide ua
The part about not feeding any form of the addiction stuck out. At first, I thought it was just simply not viewing porn or other women, but quickly grew to learn it is much deeper than that.
Making the effort to make the meetings, being open and honest with those going through similar situations and to reach out to others and connect. All of that is essential in participating in the fellowship of the program.
I am committed to reaching out to my best friend and share with him all I'm going through with my addiction, as well as to keep open communications with my wife.
Some boundaries include getting off of social media completely and removing any inappropriate content on my phone of me and my wife that may be triggering and feed into my addiction.
Though I do not believe in God, I reference this by surrendering my imperfections and my faults and my addictions, all the things that make up the current me, and aim to become a better version of myself. One that doesn't feed into this addiction, one that acknowledges my faults and weaknesses and works on fixing them. By letting go of that part of myself I can begin to heal and work towards a better version of myself and have that effective recovery.
"We can't do it alone." The emphasis on a group definitely stood out to me today. I know it's so important to have a group. "Without regular participation in the fellowship, there seems to be no recovery." I know this is true, and it stands out to me today because I'm so grateful for the two groups that I do attend.
I think it's essential to participate so that we don't feel so alone. We get out of our head and abandon our addictive thinking. We must have others who can recognize our backward thinking and help us change. By participating we start to shed our old thinking.
I have a list of guys that I regularly call from my Tuesday and Saturday groups. Guys like Brigham, Troy, Sean W, Joel M, David G, Justin B, Ryan L, David LA, Stephen and Paul and others that I have yet to meet. It's good to identify a new person to call in the coming week to introduce which I sometimes have done.
There are several boundaries that I've set to help me practice "progressive victory over lust" such as not using certain apps on my phone (twitter), not using the explore feature on Instagram, not numbing out and browsing the web or apps. I have Covenant Eyes installed on all devices to help block certain material on my phone, which is great. I try to go to bed at a reasonable time.
I see the emphasis on surrender. Once we stop and turn our will over to God that's when He can start to guide us. Change our thinking.
"We stop feeding lust through the eyes, the fantasy, and the memory." I continue to fantasize about sex. I always want it to be better. I think that I missing out on what some other married people may be getting. Also, my youth was saturated with pornographic material and reading material and I formed many of my sexual thoughts back them. I know that it was all wrong, but I can't forget it entirely, so memory is a problem. Currenltly, I also can lust through seeing in many different ways, movies and shows, outside my home on the street in stores etc. Women wearing provacative clothing.
Why? That is the part I am interested in. I wonder if working the steps of the 12 step program can help me know "how" to stop "feeding lust...."
I am strengthened when I worship with others at church. We hear talks and testimonies and study the scriptures and conference talks together and we are edified and strenghten against the onslot of unchurchy things we are going to have to live through during the rest of the week. We also can call our church friends with questions and for assistance during the week.
I think that we would be benefited in the same way by being fellowshipped by our fellow sex/lust addicts who are strongly desirous of being clean again.
I have not made that commitment to contact another person yet, but I already contacted one person and he and I talked for sometime on the phone and he directed me to the SAL meeting in our town Thursday night.
First, after agonizing over my last mishap, I went to my bishop and he has me coming back in two weeks. He asked me to consider attending sex addict meetings to strengthen me against the mishap again. These were both very hard things to do, but I did them and I think they will, eventually, help me to progress towards a victory over lust.
Second, I am doing this SAL12 Step program which I hope will help me to progress towards a victory over lust.
Third, I intend to talk with my wife and to be forthright and honest with her. The last couple of times I masturbated, I went to my bishop each of these occured and was forgiven. I did not have anymore problems for years, but I did it again. So, having Susie know might help me towards a victory over lust.
I expect to understand this term better later in my recovery program.
I would guess that we must stop practicing our compulsion in all its forms, stop trying to control everything around us and let go, surrender our complusion and surrender our lives to God. This is a very difficult concept for me to fully understand since I have typically worked hard to control my life's events. But, I am desperate to change so I am willing to try to surrender and hopefully let God operate and become effective in my life.
