"We can't be sober in one area while acting out in another" I think this stuck out to me because I had a recent slip and have been minimizing it. I need to acknowledge that it was acting out.
Absolutely! I can't do this alone! It's so much better when I rely on God and others. I really get a lot out of connecting with my brothers in recovery!
Other members of my group and to check in with my wife.
Don't watch any media with nudity.
Go to 2 meetings a week.
Don't watch TV in hotel rooms.
Don't enter a woman's name in a search engine.
Don't search for lustful things.
Don't look at an alluring add for more than 3 seconds.
Don't click on anything that could take me to lustful images.
Don't use incognito mode or similar in a browser.
Don't browse the internet without a purpose.
When I surrender my will to God, he removes my compulsion.
"What we are really saying when we start meeting with others is, "I have to stop; please help me.""
My nature is to want to isolate and go the road on my own. I'm often uncomfortable conversing with others and feel dumb. But I know working these challenges with others is key to progression. I wish I had close friends in the program. I need to figure out how to get past the surface level friendships with some people from groups.
By far what has helped me the most is speaking to others in the group. It's uncomfortable but really pushed me out of myself which is the crux of the program.
My wife. I also need to reach out to others in the group. I need to be willing to include others.
I need to think through and set real boundaries.
The key to not starting again is surrendering my will to God and letting him fight the fight instead of me trying to control things. I also think God's methods are to turn and ask for help from others. So i can't do this alone.
I previously read this before doing this portion of th eonline program and the thing that stuck out to me was how accurate it was. I am super lucky to have an awesome support system snd a sponsor who gave a brief explanation of this. I was practicing this a day after admitting that i had this addiction and I just naturally followed these steps.
I felt very alone when I first admitted that I had an addiction. I went to a SAL meeting the next night and I just felt like a was part of a community, and was validated in my feelings. It’s okay to feel but you need to make sure you are still honest yourself.
Someone from my meeting I’m going to tomorrow. If I feel the need to reach out.
Getting rid of certain apps on my phone and following my instinct when to go outside and or to go see a friend. Allowing my self not to cage myself.
A higher power can and will help is if we let it. A higher power can be many things but ultimately we just need to let it go from within ourselves and let whoever is listening, take it.
It was reiterated to me the importance of surrendering my craving to God and not try to fight them. It is also something that Sara Brewer talks about on her podcast. She shares that you have to feel your feelings. When the urges come, don't fight them, but acknowledge them and give them to God.
There is also a focus on bringing darkness to the light.
You have to work the steps or they wont work for you.
Being with others who have struggled helps you to see things for what they are. It is easy to become disillusioned by the fantasy of the life of lust. Being with others and hearing their stories helps us stay connected to real life and to see the lie of the fantasy.
Erin. I love her. Also, my bishop is working with me. I am on my path to get married in the temple on August 6th.
I have the 24 hour rule with Erin. I am also implementing that with my bishop. Esentially, if I slip up, I wont be able to marry Erin in the temple. I am pretty motivted to marry her in the temple on August 6th.
• No viewing online pornography
• No flirting with women
• No sexually-charged movies or television shows
• No checking out women’s bodies—only look at people from the chin-up
• No lying
By giving our struggles to God, He empowers us to overcome. We must stop and give our urges to God for Him to empower us.
The idea of taking action stuck out to me. Just show up.
Isolation is dangerous for me.
No one
Nothing new. Big thing is to not start internet searches. I also need to avoid fantasy. Frankly, I am not going to overreact and fall into shame. I don’t believe that porn in itself is that bad. Far worse is the dishonesty and selfishness.
I’ve learned that humility is necessary for faith. I need to realize when I am isolating myself and becoming overly selfish and inconsiderate—when my actions harm others. If I am humble and self aware, I can become more “godly” and remember my commitments to my wife and family.
That the program doesn't tell us how to stop, but how to not start again. That seems to be a small distinction that really resonated with me right now.
Create a structure that will allow me to refocus my efforts on daily sobriety, overcoming set backs or avoiding them when the temptation comes and allowing the strength and experience of others to assist me in my journey.
Brad Mons might be a good person to be able to reach out to. Guys from the list each week at the meetings.
Reduce the amount of time spent on TV and other meaningless activities. Create a stronger daily systematic approach to my sobriety and to my work/life balance.
We must show God that we are willing to take the step of turning our back on the addiction, and then allow his Spirit to return to us to give us the strength to overcome the addiction. We also must put actions into place to prevent the return to the addiction.
Where it it says "fellowship is crucial to our recovery" on pg 63. This stuck out to me because it tells me that I need to be a part of a group and be outside myself to stop my addiction and not start it again.
To make you feel welcome, part of something bigger, and to feel loved for what we truly are.
I'm committed to reaching out to Mitch from the Wednesday night group.
My wife and I have set up boundaries, blocks and guards with my personal device so that I can't access anything that I'm not supposed to be on.
Means to me that I can stop but I need the help of a higher power to keep from starting again.
Other people is so heavily emphasized. Recovery can't be done alone, which does make sense to me. Addiction thrives in isolation, and someone else going through the same thing is the perfect person to break isolation with because they get it.
We can't "see ourselves rightly" without it. It helps me to get out my own head and see things with clarity. It helps me realize it's possible.
Guys from the group. And my uncle. I will call these people:
Uncle Morgan
Rielly
James utah
Michael CA
No pornogrpahy
No masterbation
No media that contains either (movies, books)
Immediate regonition, analysis and surrender of triggers
As the book says, no one can stop it for me. A therapist, or a wife or girlfriend can't walk into my life and stop my addiction. It will never happen that way. I have to stop. Only then will God's power take effect - not even he will take it away from me because the literal reason I am on this earth is to make mistakes and learn from them and to choose God.
Recovery here is shown to be a collaboration. It is the connection that heals and the meetings are where the connection is.
The opposite of addiction is connection and those who come to the meeting find true empathy. People who understand them deeply. That is a must in order to break through the layers of shame.
I can commit to calling one other member of the group. I have a sponsee who reaches out to me as well and I commit to connecting with him when he does. I can reach out to my sponsor, I have previously struggled to connect with my sponsor because he struggled to give me guidance on step 4.
I will not masturbate, view porn, lie about it, objectify any other person.
We have stopped so many times, but we need to continue to do that. The work becomes surrendering the lust and the triggers when they happen.
The models are great. I realize that dishonesty keeps you stuck in the self absorbed mode. Only being honest releases you into the recovery and empathy mode.
The fellowship program helps you be connected which is essential for recovery.
My group and my wife.
I’ve set boundaries of not getting stuck in the isolation and feeling sorry for myself mode.
It means once we stop being dishonest and acting out that opens the door for hope which is tied to our Savior Jesus Christ and God the Father.
The stopping of one addiction and not have it manifest in another.
To have the realization you are not alone and that there is help and hope even when you feel hopeless
No one at this time. The people I’m surrounded by would not understand me and what I’m going thru
The only boundary is my limited access to internet pornography.
I currently do not have a sponsor
I have to make a conscious effort to slow down, except my faults and open an otherwise closed heart to a higher power.
It’s clear no one seems able to stay sober without being part of an honest, open and safe recovery group. I can’t do this alone. The measure of my commitment is the measure of my recovery. All forms of practicing lust must stop. All of it effects my thinking. Stop feeding it through the eyes, fantasy and memory. I must stop and then surrender.
To get comfortable being honest and accountable, but also to get out of my own head and empathize with others.
So far, I have a temporary sponsor in Sean, but Brian has reached out to me. I may also reach out to Paul our group leader who is a little further ahead in the restoration of his family. I also reach out to my mentor, Bob, regularly.
• No viewing online pornography
• No flirting with women
• No sexually-charged movies or television shows
• No checking out women’s bodies—only look at people from the chin-up • • • No lying
• No staying up late
• No aimless browsing of the internet
• I will attend two 12-Step meetings each week.
• I will do daily Step Work.
• I will reach out to my Sponsor when I am triggered, preoccupied or upset.
• I will check-in daily with my sponsor
• I will take accountability when my wife or partner has a trauma reaction.
• I will take a time-out when I feel myself losing my temper with my partner or children.
• I will take a daily inventory and when I am wrong I will promptly admit it.
• I will work to be humble, honest, and accountable in my daily interactions.
• I will practice gratitude daily in a gratitude journal.
Stopping is stopping everything. But it’s also real repentance and making a real 180 turn in the opposite direction. It is also coming to the end of myself. That surrender of myself in charge gives God the room to work in my heart and be at the helm instead of me.
The first part was the section that talked about committing myself to the group and "the measure of such commitment will be the measure of my recovery". It help me realized I will not experience recovery if I lack commitment.
To be able to come out of shame and fear.
Other members of the group.
I have set a boundary to not login to online dating apps. to not be on my phone on social media or washing movies pass 10:30 pm
That after we made a decision to stop, then as we choose to surrender, then the power of God can take over our powerlessness over lust.
Without regular participation in the fellowship, there seems to be no recovery
I’ve tried doing it myself over 20 years without having any success. I have come to learn that I’m not alone.
To be connected with the those individuals attending each week. We are not alone in this recovery, we have a community that cares for our recovery.
Individual that are commented to the program. Someone you can trust and fill safe with.
Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
Let go of all the guilt, shame, emotional loneliness, and believe that god loves me.
I need to quit addiction in all forms.
Because I can’t do this alone.
Kyle Crowley
Boundaries on my phone and other devices
We have to choose to stop. God is not going to stop for us. When we choose to stop then the power of god becomes effective in us
participate in the fellowship
listen to others struggles, develop empathy, share struggles/victories, proxy experences/lessons
John W
John H
Jared F
Aaron R
Charles
Craig
Leonard
Ben F
Ryan L UT
Caden
No regular TV by myself
No checking out women's bodies
no looking at/for online women
no aimless browsing
Be honest/truthful
show integrity
I must do what I can and get out of the way so God can do what I can't do for myself
Without connection with others in the program, it's almost certain that I will start again.
"We can't be sober in one area while acting out in another." - including masturbation to a blank wall.
"We stop living only and always inside our own heads." - I've lived my whole life inside my own head. I need to be able to get outside myself and participate in reality.
"The program doesn't tell us how to stop... - it shows us how to keep from starting again." - I can't rely upon someone else (including God) to make me stop. I stop; then in surrender, the power of God becomes effective in me.
I was designed for connection and without it, I will fail at my goal to never look at pornography again. I can't work the program on my own.
I don't yet have a sponsor, but I will attend the next Thursday night meeting and contact Grant B. to ask how to get a sponsor.
I haven't printed out anything or talked with my sponsor.
I have set up a governor app on my phone that my wife has the password to. I have removed YouTube and Google/web browsers from my phone. I am confessing to my wife when I feel attracted to another woman or have an image of another woman in my head.
It means that I take ownership of my actions; I don't pass off agency of myself to another, even to God. He made me to have agency over my mind and body, and so by acting in the way He designed me, it is His power that protects me. I also have to surrender my will (not my decisions) to Him and not let my own comfort get the better of me.
Bringing the inside out. Talking about my thoughts and emotions helps me to be more aware of them and usually ends up showing that its not as bad as it felt.
Sharing helps us open up and taking action towards what we truly want. It also allows us the opportunity to listen and give service to others.
I do daily check ins with my wife and I’m going to be doing this course with another friend who i can share back and forth with. Help each other stay accountable
I don’t have any set and printed. I have blockers on my phone.
Personally making the decision to change and a desire to heal opens the door. When we surrender our control we let go of the controlling attitude and allow God to enter into our life and begin to share insight and give guidance and strength
Favorite quote is "The program doesn't tell us how to stop–we had done that a thousand and one times–it shows us how to keep from starting again. We had it backwards; before, we always wanted the therapist, spouse, or God to do the stopping for us–to fix us. Now, we stop; and then, in our surrender, the power of God becomes effective in us. So powerful for me. Changing my mindset to focus on God and his power to help me 'not start again' has been a much more successful recovery mindset for me.
Empathy and validation from those who REALLY understand what we're going through and who are also going through it with us is so powerful. In fact it is the power I don't have. Without having others, the fellowship, to work with in recovery, i'm back to trying to do everything myself - which has never worked for me long term.
Others in group. It seems that there are specific people that i've begun to reach out to for specific lust triggers. They're brothers in recovery that I know have a personal strong connection with those certain lust triggers and we've had good conversations with them. They seem to be my go to because of the strong empathy and validation I receive from their sharing their own experiences dealing with the exact same challenges.
The boundaries I've set for progressive victory of lust, is defining that a slip - is when I have intentionally sought lust but haven't crossed the boundary of pornography, masturbation, or sexually acting out. If I "slip" more than 3 times within a week I consider that a relapse and not "progressive victory over lust" and I reset my sobriety.
To me it means handing over our pride and the thought of "i can do this myself if I really just buckle down and do it" to God. I still have to buckle down of course, but I'm not doing it in an effort to just "take care of this embarrassing problem" but to turn my life and my will over to the care of God.
Two parts really stuck out to me. The first is this quote: "There can be no relief from the obsession of lust while still practicing the acts of lust in any form." The second one was: "There can be no true recovery from addiction if we allow it to persist in any area, whether in our thinking or in our acting out." These parts stuck out because recently I found myself wanting a lust hit and seeking it out by looking at a pinterest page of a girl I knew back in high school. There were some triggering images she had put up there which made me start to fantasize. I then sought out her instagram page and found it and started to look at her pictures, which were triggering per say (my justification). Even though I have sobriety of 2 years, this was a slip that started to clear off the old lustful pathways in my mind that I had previously traveled. These kind of actions erode the progress I have made and make it easier to travel down wrong paths again, which eventually lead to relapse. I had spiritually created something bad in my mind via fantasizing and seeing these triggering images and started to attribute them to this girl I used to know: I was fantasizing what life would be like in a lustful relationship with her as my wife and how much better life would be if she were my wife than my current wife; she seemed more "fun" (willing to act out my fantasies of lust) and actual fun (physically active) than my current "boring" wife. I felt bothered and shameful afterwards for the feelings of lust I was experiencing and now I had some hard work to do again: destroy this abominable creation I had formed in my mind and to stop fantasizing about having a different life.
"Experience has shown us that we must be part of others or we cannot maintain effective surrender, see ourselves rightly, or work the Steps. Without regular participation in the fellowship, there seems to be no recovery." I think this statement on pg 64 really sums it up. We need to come out of ourselves and let others into our own lives. Attending meetings will help me stop being so self-absorbed and prepare me to be in a position to empathize with others, reach out and get the connection I'm needing.
My friends from my SAL meeting are great resources: Philip, Daniel, and Alex.
Bottom Lines:
No viewing of pornography (or sexually charged videos or shows)
No sex with self
No lying. I am radically honest.
No flirting with women
No fantasizing about life with other women
No streetlusting
Slips:
3 second rule (staring at women’s bodies)
I go to bed before or when my wife goes to bed (No staying up late to play video games)
No taking my phone into the bathroom unless door is wide open or I’m showering (I like listening to conference and/or intellectual talks while I shower)
No private correspondence with any woman other than spouse (text/email/phone calls)
No browsing social media accounts (Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, Pinterest, etc.) or performing web searches of women (whether I personally know them or not) or looking them up on LDS tools
No visiting or reading any sexually related web forums (subreddits, etc. even if there’s a pseudo-religious aspect to them)
I Will:
Each day before I go to work, I will perform step work, journaling, and/or guided meditation to connect with God
Each week I will make at least one outbound call
If I feel triggered, I will seek the feeling behind the trigger
If the trigger is too much for me, I will call a fellow member and surrender to God
Every other week, I will contact my sponsor
Each week, I will attend an SA meeting
We can't have lasting recovery without sobriety. Continuing to act out renews the negative pathways in my brain and keeps them fresh and active and keeps me to chained to addictive thought processes and habits. That's the first part. As I stop and try to have sobriety, I'm going to be tempted to travel down these default pathways I've trained my brain to take. These "shortcuts" to feeling relief and soothing have an allure to them: they are quick, effortless, and provide instant pleasure and gratification. But I can choose to take a different route now. I can choose to surrender that pull, that desire, that urge, that LUST...to God! I can give Him my struggle. I can yield to Him. I can give Him my agency and He will help hone it and guide me in my desperate need. As I do so, His power will be made manifest. His enabling power will transform me 24 hrs at a time to become stronger in Him and to find progressive victory over lust. He truly will make me whole again. As I surrender, He will help me slowly destroy my old mind and self, and help me rise from those ashes as a new person.
That we must be part of a program or we can not maintain effective surrender. Without regular participation in the fellowship, there will not be real recovery.
To hear other's experiences and have hope based on seeing them be successful in the program. To get outside of ourselves and out of our own heads where we can justify and minimize all day long.
My accountability partner.
1. Don't watch TV alone except male sports / news / building shows
2. Don't surf for shows with inappropriate content
3. Don't lookup or read movie reviews looking for inappropriate content
4. Don't use the internet alone except for work / email / LDS related sites / answer questions
5. Never click on links that are sex / sexy picture related
6. Don't self stimulate
7. Don't fantasize about someone naked or having sex with someone, including my wife
8. Don't do anything voyeuristic
9. Don't search for pictures of women/girls/actresses on internet
10. Don't use phone in bathroom. Always treat it as an internet device.
11. Don't objectify women / girls
12. Use home computers only for appropriate activity
13. No photo surfing on home computer
14. Avoid clothing catalogs and magazines with inappropriate ads
15. Don't say negative or derogatory things to your wife
16. Don't let self hatred come out as resentment of others
17. Don't make sexual or sexualized comments, unless appropriate in the setting
18. What can I do today for my wife to help her feel safe
19. Stop trying to control everything
20. Respect my wife's boundaries
We have to take the action to stop. We must choose to stop. Then we must choose to surrender what we feel powerless over to God, so that He can strengthen us and allow that moment or temptation to pass.
Must be part of others to make it work
Risk of self disclosure, very true in my case of pride
Because my attachment and connection is messed up. I need to connect with others who have similar experiences to know that I'm not alone
My network of recovery brothers, also would like to reach out to new people
No phone in the bathroom, no streaming videos during the work day,
Just that I can do hard things, I can let God drive the bus.
